Losing Michelle
by KAlmeida
Summary: Tony struggles to cope in recovery at CTU after the greatest loss he will ever endure. Season 5 spoiler alert. TonyMichelle. Please read and review. Chapter 4 up.
1. Initial Shock

Slowly, noises and colors begin to return to me. I can remember nothing- nothing at all- from the past few hours. An explosion and then-

"Michelle" I say, my voice weak and hoarse to my own ears. I see her in my mind, her face, her lifeless body in my arms, but I can not –will not- accept it. The love of my life, the one woman that I have confided in, have given part of my soul to, is not dead. It is a thought that I am incapable of thinking.

A familiar voice whispers back to me, thick with emotion. "Tony, I'm sorry." Jack doesn't say any more. He doesn't have to. He has said enough. I know now that Michelle, my beautiful wife, is dead. No words can convey the emotion that passes through me now. My love for her remains immeasurable and with her dies my lust for life, my need to continue living. I am nothing without her. I do not feel my own pain. Only the pain of losing Michelle.

"No" I manage to gasp, looking at Jack. Tears flood my eyes, and I can tell that Jack finds it difficult to break the news to me. He must know how I am feeling right now, if anyone. He, like me, sacrificed his wife for the job. For the good of the country.

I wasn't even on the job, I internally shout to myself. Nor was Michelle. We didn't want this. This was not supposed to happen. Not now, not ever…

I find my mind drifting away to last week, when Michelle confided that she was ready to have a family, ready to have children. I had been surprised at the proposal, but I was ready. I wanted to have little Dessler-Almeidas around the house. I liked kids. More than that, it would have been something special that both Michelle and I would have treasured and cared for. Our legacy. That will never happen now, I realize. Next, I notice that Jack is talking to me.

"Tony?" he says, peering at me, "Tony, are you alright?"

I just had brain surgery, Jack, and my wife is dead. What do you think?

"Fine." I manage, "I'm fine Jack."

He looks at me, clearly unconvinced. His face betrays him, as does the nervous twitching of his hands. Jack Bauer, the ultimate machine, is having trouble talking to me, his friend. Were the situation not so depressing, as it was, to me, it would have been almost comical; the way Jack was handling himself. Like a rookie.

"Tony," he says, "Do you want to be briefed?"

I look at him. No, I don't want to be briefed. I want nothing more to do with CTU or any of its counterparts. I made that decision long ago. Michelle and I made that decision. CTU is, in essence, what killed my wife. But Jack is offering me the opportunity to find out who murdered my wife…

"Yes" I decide, "Please tell me what's going on."

Jack explains to me everything that has happened in the past eight hours. The hostage situation, Walt Cummings, the man in the yellow tie, the nerve gas, the mall… everything. Finding no reason to comment, I stare at him: accepting, absorbing. Michelle's death was part of a much larger conspiracy. It is probably considered a harmless casualty after all the people at the mall. To most people. Not to me. Not to Jack.

I nod, showing to Jack that I am still paying close attention.

"Tony," he says, "You can stay here if you want. You can go home, even. But we could really use you in there. You've got experience, that nobody else has got-"

He uses the same term Michelle did, that I have experience nobody else does. Her last words. I cut him off, choosing to focus on his first statement.

"Home?" I ask, focusing on his second statement, "Home to what? To the unmade bed that Michelle and I slept in last night? To her coffee cup that's still on the kitchen counter?" To a life I will never be able to have again, I think to myself, but it remains unspoken. Jack understands. He is quiet for a moment, waiting for me to continue. I am wasting his time, I know, and there is a crisis at hand. Michelle's last wish was for us to help CTU.

"Yeah, Jack." I say finally. "I'll come. Let me get changed."

He nods, grateful to my accepting. It is difficult for me, he knows, but I will do it.

"Great, Tony." He gets up as he speaks. "Uh, Kim's here now… so I'm going to go talk to her, okay? You get dressed, and I'll meet you on the floor. Chloe will get you set up."

"Yeah" I answer. "Say hello to Kim for me."

Jack smiles. Over the past few years, I have developed a sort of surrogate-godfather relationship with Kim, and Jack understands.

"I will" he assures me.

He leaves, exiting through the door in which he came. I can not help but notice that Jack has left his gun on the table. I reach for it. I would be so easy, so easy now that I have nothing left. No life to return to. No future to look forward to. I would join Michelle… I lift the gun up to my head. I want to end it all. I want to make the pain go away.

Shaking, I drop the gun, sobs escaping involuntarily from my lips. I was unable to proceed. I am still needed on the floor. Perhaps when the threat is terminated, I will re-configure my options. Perhaps I will end my life then. In any case, I am needed on the floor. Though my soul is dead, my experience and my mind remain.

I am lost in a world that was once all too familiar to me.


	2. Trying to Cope

Slowly, I put on the CTU clothing that Jack has left for me. Grey sweatpants, and a blue T-shirt reading 'CTU' on the back. Not overly attractive, but a far cry above the hospital gown I wore a moment ago.

The fabric is rough against my skin, tender from the explosion, and I wince as I pull the T-shirt over my head, part of which is still wrapped in gauze. I start to walk out the door, but double back as I remember Jack's gun. I push it into the pocket of the pants, anticipating the time when I will be able to return it to him.

I walk out of the hospital room, and soon find myself on the familiar main floor of CTU. How it has changed over the years. So many faces have come and gone. There are few people that I now recognize, standing awkwardly in the middle of the floor.

Again my thoughts drift back to Michelle. So much has happened here. Was it not here that I first met her? Was it not here that we had agreed to start to date? Where I first accepted that she might die? Where I broke protocol to save her? Was I not arrested here? And yes, it was here that I saw her, many months after she had left me, and we agreed, once again, to be together.

I curse myself now, for all the time we wasted while we were apart. It was my fault; I blame myself. I realize now how precious life is, and how we should have been together all along. What I would do now, for another six months to be with Michelle. A day, even, would be quite enough for me to profess my love to her. That is a luxury that has been forever stolen from me.

I head towards Chloe, who I have spotted from across the room. Years have passed, and yet still her demeanor has not changed. As I approach, she is snapping snidely at Edgar. She sits at her computer, typing a complex code to open a file.

"Chloe" I say, in order to get her attention. Her head snaps up, and I can tell from the expression on her face that she has not been told about my arrival.

"Jack said you'd get me set up." I say as way of explanation.

"Hold on, okay? I'm really busy right now, Tony."

Any compassion I might have expected from Chloe is immediately forgotten as she returns to her computer. I almost retort angrily, as I normally would have, but I am too tired, and too sad. I have little energy as it is, and I don't want to waste any arguing with Chloe. Perhaps this is why she looks up again, and seems taken aback.

"Hey, Tony. I'm sorry about Michelle. You guys were really good for each other. If I seem to lack empathy, it's only because I'm really stressed."

I know that Chloe has a difficult time interacting with others, and generally being social. It is a trait that she exhibited constantly, to my frustration, during my time as her employer. Her words touch me, and I have to look down to avoid crying again.

"Me too." I mutter. "Look, I can help you, but I'm going to need a computer, and for you to update me."

She nods, still typing. I do not interrupt her, as I am not sure exactly what she is doing, and do not want to interfere. I wait, looking around CTU, searching for anything familiar. My eyes are inevitably drawn towards the office that was once mine. I will never sit in that chair again. Too much has happened, too many things that cannot be undone. In my place is an older man, the one I once believed to be Michelle's lover. Perhaps he was, but that does not matter now. Talking to him is a younger man, one I do not recognize. Obviously, he is a new recruit of CTU's.

Chloe's voice brings me back to reality, and I become aware that she has been talking to me.

"Tony? Tony, do you want me to set you up or not?"

"Yeah," I nod, "Sorry. Set me up. Yeah."

She looks at me, plainly believing that I am not up for the job. Chloe gets up, however, and leads me to a small computer terminal. There she briefs me on where we are as to decoding a chip that Jack recovered, as well as identifying the terrorists. Jack is going into the field pretty soon, she explains, and wants me to lead tactical. I agree, and decide to start doing some menial tasks until I can be of use to Jack. Maybe I will go and greet Kim for a moment before I start. Chloe turns to leave, but I call back to her.

"Chloe, I'm sorry about Spencer. Jack told me. Sounds like a real asshole."

Chloe blushes a bit, ashamed at her own mistake. I know what she is going through. It was a very long time before I could bring myself to love again after sleeping with Nina, and having her be a mole. Then Michelle came along…

I shake my head. No matter what my train of thought, it always comes back to one person: Michelle. I wonder how, and if, I will be able to survive the rest of my life without her, as I am barely able to function for only a few minutes without thinking about her. It is unbearable, and I do not know how anyone can go on after losing their spouse.

"Thanks, Tony." Chloe says, and for once it does not sound forced or pre-rehearsed. She is grateful, and I realize what a toll being used has taken on her.

"You'll be okay." I say, trying to be helpful. "I got over Nina, you can get over Spencer."

She nods, and returns to her work. That helps, I know. It distracts. I start to return to my own work, but then I remember Kim. It has been a long time since we last spoke, but I long to see a familiar face. Impulsively, I stand up and walk towards the conference room, where she will almost certainly be held. Using the keycard Chloe gave me, a level four security clearance, I enter the room.

It appears as though Jack has already come and gone, and Kim sits quietly in a chair in the corner, apparently pondering her father's sudden reappearance.

"Hello, Kim." I say softly, trying to appreciate her emotions at this point, "How are you?"

She looks up. She has not changed that much in the three plus years since I have seen her. She has changed her hair a bit; it is flippy, sort of, and parted to the side.

"Shocked." Is the only response that Kim uses to convey her emotions. "I mean, I thought that my dad was dead for a year and a half, then all of a sudden he pops up and tells me he's alive and well, and saving America again, I mean-"

She pauses, shaking her head. "It's a lot to take." She concludes. "But, um, how are _you_? I heard about Michelle and stuff. I'm really sorry."

"I'm holding up, somehow." I respond. Kim, yes even Kim, who has lost her mother, does not know, and hopefully will never know how I feel right now. I do not tell her of the pain, the anger, the sadness. Quickly, I change the subject.

"I haven't heard anything about you in a long time" I say, sitting down, "Are you still with Chase?"

Kim nods. "We got married last spring. He's at home right now, with our kid. A little baby girl."

I smile, for the first time since Michelle's death. Finally, good news. Though most of me cannot believe that Kim has given birth to a child, and that Jack is a grandfather, I am extremely happy for the young couple. Kim, if anyone, deserves this. Michelle, too, would have been so glad to hear this…

"That's great." I say. "What'd Jack say? Your father, I mean?" I knew immediately that Jack would have been delighted. So would I have been, but that would never happen now. Without Michelle, I would never have kids, let alone grandkids.

Kim looked uncomfortable. "I haven't exactly updated him yet. He was really in a hurry. He, uh, doesn't know. So if you could maybe not mention it to him…"

I nod, agreeing. Loathe as I am to keep something of this magnitude from Jack, whom it concerns closely, I will not betray Kim's confidence.


	3. A Semblance of Order

As I turn to go back to the workstation- I call it 'the', for I cannot yet bring myself to think of it as my own-, Kim calls back to me. "Thanks, Tony. I appreciate the talk."

I smile, before leaving to go distract myself with work. It is a false smile, and I am sure that Kim can tell, but she is kind enough to ignore it. Is that all I am now, nothing more than a good listener?

No one will ever care for me again, the way Michelle did, I know, but the realization only sinks in completely as I leave the conference room where Kim is staying. I will never again feel completely accepted, comfortable within my own skin because I know that someone else accepts me.

Worse, perhaps, or an equal evil, I will never be able to love again, as I once did with Michelle. I will never give a piece of myself to another person, for the pain of losing tem is simply too great. As horrific as it was for me to discover that a woman I had trusted with my life- many times over- was a traitor to the country, the feeling, now, is many times multiplied. That first heartbreak had nearly ended my trust in women, but I was able to pull myself through it, after meeting Michelle. She was my anchor, my emotional safehouse. I will never have that now.

Part of me thinks back to the gun, still in my pocket. Unless the layout of CTU has been completely reconfigured since I was last year, the washrooms would still be easily accessible... It would be quiet, alone. Terribly easy. No one would notice my absence for awhile, perhaps, until an agent went to relieve himself.

Sighing softly, I return determinedly to my station. I have already considered this, I remind myself. I will not make a move until I have helped, even in a small way, to catch the people who hurt my Michelle. Sitting down, I occupy myself with the tasks Chloe has prepared for me until I can be of use to Jack. They are indeed mundane. Maybe they would seem most exciting, to some rookie who has just been transferred here, but they seem quite boring to me. Much of this work I once did on a regular basis, and my mind wanders again as I complete them.

I think back to this morning, a time I took for granted, as I did so much of the time I spent with Michelle. She had burnt the toast she had tried to make for breakfast, and foolishly I hadsnapped at her. I almost start to cry again at the mere memory, knowing that Michelle's last morning on this earth was spent in anger, of which I was the cause.

Shaking my head, I look back up at my computer screen, trying to distract myself once again. Never have I let my emotions run as freely as today, but it is a reaction that I cannot stop, despite my like to keep to myself. Never have I needed to be distracted as much as I have today. That is why I drank- so long ago, it seems. To distract myself from the utter pain of losing Michelle. I know that I may be driven to it again, as there is nothing left for me to do. I am faced with many long nights, alone in the house we once shared. I will not be able to sleep in our bed; the memory of Michelle is too close to me there. Nor on the couch, I think, where we sat so many nights, discussing our day, and our love for one another.

Ultimately, I know that Michelle knew I cared for her in her last moments, the crucial moments after the explosion but before she lost her life, if there was any such time. She was too clever a woman not to know. Part of me, though, wishes that I could be sure, sure that she was aware that I wish to have died in her place, sure that she knew how far my love for her extended. Indeed, I wish that our places had been exchanged. I would die many times over to give life to her, for Michelle was far too precious a gift to this world to be taken away so cruelly.

Jack Bauer's voice brings my thoughts back to the present as he calls me over to where he stands, not far from my desk. "Tony, I'm going to need your full attention" he explains calmly.

I know he does not mean to chastise me for my wandering mind, that he only wants to make sure my job is done correctly, but still, his implications perturb me.

"I know how to do my job, thanks, Jack." I rebut angrily.

"Sorry, Tony." is his lame reply. "I'm going to go under cover with the terrorists in about half an hour. You're going to have to run point from here. I'm meeting them at a secure location, so it shouldn't be too hard. I've got Curtis Manning and his alpha team set up, and you've got satellite feed all around the place, as well as the audio I'll be feeding you."

My mind wanders once again, but for this once I am not thinking about my wife. Desperately, I am processing the information Jack is giving me while trying to remember the informal briefing he gave me earlier.

"You've already been under cover with them, and you killed one of them to prevent the release of nerve gas." I say finally, "They'll recognize you. It's a suicide mission, Jack."

He shakes his head and gives me the standard, evasive answer. "We're very prepared, nothing should go awry, but if it does, Curtis-"

"Let me do it" I say suddenly, interrupting him. I have nothing left to live for, except perhaps to help stop the men who arranged to have my wife killed.Thatwill remain my ultimategoal, and I will not rest until everyone responsible is either dead or on Death Row.This mission would not only give me that chance, but also a chance to die in a dignified way, without having to stoop as low as suicide.

Jack does a double-take. Clearly, this was a twist he did not expect from me, although I am sure he understands my point of view. "Tony, you can't" he argues, before dropping some line about my experience not being sufficient, that I'll get through it, utter garbage.

"No." I say perseveringly, "I can do it, Jack, and you know it. You've got so much left to live for. You've got Kim, and Audrey. Don't jeopardize that. I've got nothing left to lose, Jack, they've taken everything I had."

Jack looks upset. For the first time, I think he realizes that Michelle's death was, however indirectly, caused by him. I do not blame him for anything that happened today, though. It is not his fault. Jack Bauer would never have intentionally caused harm to Palmer, or to Michelle. Or to me. He argues again, but it lacks conviction, and I know that seeing what losing my wife has done to me is creating doubt in his mind, doubt as to whether he should risk everything for the mission, as he has so often done before.

"Talk to Kim," I urge him, using his daughter as a last resort to keep him from wasting his life, "Before you leave, talk to Kim. Ask her how her life is. I mean really talk to her. Take ten minutes. Then you decide if you want to make her suffer through losing you again, after she's just found you again. You decide."

Turning on my heel, I return to my station without looking back at Jack, who is left standing awkwardly, alone on the middle of the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him walk towards the conference room, where Kim is. Good. Never one to heed others' advice, I seriously doubted that Jack would want to tell his daughter that he was leaving her...again. To all appearances, however, he was going to talk to her. Hopefully, she would change his mind, and he would let me go undercover in his place.

I knew that it was likely that the terrorists also knew what I looked like, as they had attempted to assassinate me along with Michelle, Palmer and Chloe, but I did not mind. I supposed I would be able to gather some information before they discovered who I really was, and then I would be killed. I would return to Michelle. It is difficult indeed to win against an enemy who wants to die, and who has nothing to lose. Suddenly, there is no leverage to be had against them.

Patiently, I wait for Jack's return, his decision. As I turn back to my monitor, I realize that my work is finished, the tasks given to me by Chloe all completed. Standing up shakily, for my head still aches from my recent surgery, I walk to Chloe. For the first time, I become dizzy as I walk, and hold on carefully to desks that I pass to avoid collapsing. I know that it has happened before, after I was shot in the neck, and it is liability if Jack decides to let me lead the operation. Ignoring this, I search for Chloe, until I locate her, typically seated at her computer.

"Chloe, you got anything else that needs to be done?" I ask, by way of greeting.

She looks up, annoyed that I interrupted whatever she had been doing previously. Raising her eyebrow, she says "Aren't you supposed to be helping Jack, Tony?"

"He's busy," I answer truthfully, "Is there anything I can do in the next ten minutes?"

She rolls her eyes. She is in a particular mood today, and evidently my pestering has not helped it. "It'll take more time to explain it to you than for me to just do it" she explains frusteratedly.

I sigh. "Sorry" I mutter, turning back to my computer. Jack is there already, I notice, waiting for me. "What?" I ask him irritably. I have a right to be irritable towards whomsoever I wish today, after all that has happened. I feel that if I do not build up these walls between the world, and my emotions, I will break down. I will not be able to continue.

"I'm not going," Jack says simply, "I talked to Kim. You're right, I've got too much, too many people counting on me..." he trails off.

"So I'll get ready then," I say, but it is less of a statement than it is a question. I want to be certain that Jack is giving me the release I so crave.

"No," he retorts sternly, "Agent Manning is going. I'm going to lead his team in his place. You're still leading tactical. Chloe will help you, along with Edgar and whoever else you may need. Tony, I can't let you give up on life, Michelle wouldn't have wanted it..."

He is right, I know. Michelle would have wanted me to continue, however impossible that may seem presently. And it does really seem as if I will be unable to proceed. Jack's words are meaningless to me at this point, and my knees start to buckle beneath me as the sheer hopelessness of the situation sets in.

"Excuse me" I whisper softly, walking towards where I believe the men's room still is. I am able to maintain my composure as I walk, an amazingly difficult task. Holding back the rush of tears and emotions running through me, I pass the desks and workstations of many agents, none of whom my brain is able to process and recognize. They are all but blurs to me, disfigured by the wetness at the corners of my eyes.

Opening the door to the washroom, I realize, to my relief, that no one is here. Sliding down the wall slowly, I allow myself a final breakdown of emotions. Everything I have strived to keep inside, while confronting Jack, and Kim, and Chloe, comes pouring out. All the tears previously unshed come pouring out in abundance. I sob softly as my world crumbles to nothing. All my thoughts turn to Michelle. The one thing I can not live without. The one thing I will be forced to live without.


	4. The Final Blow

I start to cry again, as the utter hopelessness of my situation begins to sink in. I would have given my life to save Michelle. Now that I cannot even do that, my life has no worth. It is nothing to me. I am nothing.

I feel around in my pocket. Jack's gun is still there, where I left it. It takes me only a moment to consider this decision. I have nothing left to do in this life. Michelle was my life, and she was taken from me, ripped cruelly from my arms as I held her.

There are others who could run tactical. I am not the only competent analyst at CTU, not even the most competent. Chloe could do what needs to be done easily, and more accurately than I could. She has proved that time and time again while working as an agent. Surely Jack knows this, and is simply trying to keep me going. He knows what I am going through, and what I might do to myself. I am not needed here.

I raise the gun to my head, sobbing louder now. Tears flow down my face as I remember Michelle, and all the wonderful times we shared together.

I think back to our wedding day… the first one. We were so in love. Back then, we believed that nothing could tear us apart, that we would grow old together, watching our children go to college, get jobs. She wore a lovely white gown that day. Her hair was done in an up-do, but her ringlets refused to be contained and burst from her bun. She smiled and laughed the entire time. So did I. Our happiness, like Michelle's curls, was insuppressible. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her cheeks were flushed, from excitement, and her eyes had a special sparkle about them. Michelle had always had an intricate beauty to her, but it was emphasized and rightfully praised that day. I could not take my eyes off her.

She is gone now. Dead. I put my finger on the trigger, preparing to shoot. I am crying harder still, but I barely notice. I am too sad and enveloped within myself by this point to notice anything happening around me.

I remember the day we first met, at CTU. My first thought had been something like, 'Wow, she's hot' but as I continued to work with her I realized how strong a person she was. How she would always try, to the best of her ability, to do the _right_ thing. An important trait in our line of work. Our former line of work. I do not believe in love at first sight; I think you need to know someone before you can love them. If I did, I would say that the moment I greeted Michelle, I was already in love.

I click the trigger, but the chamber is empty. I can do it, I now know. I can kill myself. I have the willpower. I knew, from the moment Jack told me, that this is how it would end. I would not, will not be able to continue functioning without Michelle.

I find my mind wandering once again. My life with her. The way she always prepared coffee in the morning, never daring to venture into the realm of eggs or bacon. The way she laughed when I teased her. The feel of her soft hair under my fingers. Her determined negotiating when it came to our firm. The touch of her lips against mine…

My shoulders heave as I sob louder. My face is completely wet with my own tears. I click the trigger again, as I have so many times before, on the job, and this time the chamber is not empty. The bullet rips a hole in my head, and I am conscious for only a second before I am released. Dimly, I feel the hot trickle of blood down my face, onto my chest. And then there is nothing.

It is Jack who finds my body, hours later. An agent is shouting his congratulations as he pushes the door open.

"Thanks" Jack smiles, obviously pleased with the result of the day.

His smile abruptly fades as he steps in, and onto my bloodied hand, still clutching his gun. A look of utter horror clouds his face, immediately followed by pain, then sorrow. He drops to his knees, and he, too, cries uncontrollably. Desperately, he holds my head to his chest, begging me to wake up. It is the second time that Jack has lost someone after saving everyone else. I was his only ally, his only true friend. I am the one person that has experienced everything with him, from Kim's kidnapping to his staged death, and he knows it. He clutches me tighter, refusing to let go, to accept reality.

He knows why I did it. I had nothing left to live for after what happened to Michelle. After Teri died, Jack still had a life, a daughter to care for. I had nothing. He rocks gently back and forth, holding me close, sobbing his apologies.

"I'm sorry, Tony, I'm so sorry…"


End file.
